Where Gold Meets Indigo
I heard this song for the first time today, and I can’t stop listening to it. The words and melody seem to speak directly to me, in a way I can’t quite explain. It feels like the song was written for what I’m going through right now, for the pain and the emptiness I’ve been carrying since you left. Each line echoes something in my heart that I’m still trying to understand. Some days, I wonder if this heartache is meant to teach me something, if there’s a lesson in the sorrow. But how could there be any lesson that justifies losing you? How could anything explain the silence where your cries should have filled the room, the stillness where your laughter should have been? What could possibly make sense of the empty space in my arms where you should be?
When you left, a part of me went with you. "I used to shine bright like gold," the song says, and I did. I felt full of light, full of love. But now, it feels as though that light has dimmed, and I walk through a world that’s colder, filled with shadows. The warmth I once carried is now distant, like a piece of me has been taken. It’s as if I’ve forgotten how to find it again, and I have to keep moving through this world without you. I search for answers, for peace, for understanding.
But sometimes, it feels like I’m walking in indigo, the color of grief that weighs me down. "But now I’m all indigo," the song continues, and I know exactly what that means. The world looks different now, touched with a sadness so deep it feels almost unreal. Every day feels heavy, and I carry that indigo weight in my chest. I’ve prayed for relief, for light, for strength to keep going. And while I know I’m not truly alone, it still feels as though a part of my soul was left behind with you, Orion.
People say, “Be thankful for the children you still have.” And I am thankful. I am thankful for their love, their presence in my life. But the truth is, the love I have for them doesn’t fill the place where you should be. It can’t erase the pain of losing you. I carry that love for them, but no matter how much love surrounds me, it cannot replace the love I have for you.
Grief has a way of leaving me searching for comfort, for understanding. "I gave up a piece of my heart, then I turned to run," the song says, and it feels like that’s what I’ve been doing—running, searching for answers, searching for peace. But no matter how far I go, no matter how much I look for light to shine through the indigo haze, the sorrow remains. And still, I carry it with me.
I search for the sun, the warmth that once filled me, but it feels like the sun itself is hiding, and I’m left in its absence. "My head's in the clouds, but I don't feel close to the sun." The light feels distant now, the warmth faint and scattered. I feel like I’m walking through a world that’s missing its light, and every step feels colder, every moment heavier. Sometimes, I wonder if the sun will ever shine the same way again. Will it ever feel warm enough to melt the heaviness that’s wrapped itself around me? Or am I destined to walk in shadows, forever searching for something I can’t reach?
But even in the darkest moments, I know there is a glimmer of something. A spark, however small, that reminds me I’m not entirely lost. It’s as if there’s a faint, distant light guiding me, even if I can’t always see it clearly. And maybe that’s what keeps me going. Even when the world feels dim and the shadows grow long, there is something, someone, who holds me in the dark. I carry you with me, Orion. I carry you in every breath I take, in every tear I shed. You are still here, in the quiet moments and in the stars. I find you in the stillness, and I find strength in the darkness. Your memory, your love, is what keeps me going. You are with me, always.
Orion, you will always be my brightest star. Even when the world feels dim and the indigo shadows grow long, I carry your light within me. Your love, your memory, will never fade. I hold onto it, knowing that through everything, your light still guides me, even in the darkest of times.
This is Love. This is Grief. This is Healing.
Song: "Indigo" by Sam Barber and Avery Anna, released on November 1, 2024.
Lyrics:
"I'm starting to question if God's trying to teach me a lesson
I'm starting to wonder if my true colors changed since I left ya
I used to shine bright like gold, now I'm all indigo
My colors are darker and cold, I think it's time that I went home
And I don't understand why I always feel dead and alone
Well, I used to shine bright like gold, now I'm all indigo
I gave up a piece of my heart, then I turned to run
Oh, my head's in the clouds, but I don't feel close to the sun
And the light fades away from my face, and the tears fall like rain
And so I turn my words all into faith, hope it's me that they save."
